


Chaos incarnate

by Vigilant_Schemer



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Aromantic Envy, Asexual Envy, Bisexual Greed, Bisexual Lan Fan, Bisexual Ling Yao, Bisexual Lust, Bisexual Roy Mustang, Chaos, Character Death, Chatting & Messaging, Child Abuse, Comedy, Edward Elric Has Issues, Edward Elric Needs a Hug, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Envy and Edward being chaotic best friends, Established Alphonse Elric/Mei Chang, Established Paninya/Winry Rockbell, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Gay Edward Elric, Gay Panic, He deserves to rot in Tartarus, He's a greedy boy, Hurt Alphonse Elric, Hurt Edward Elric, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Lesbian Winry Rockbell, M/M, Nightmares, Nonbinary Envy (Fullmetal Alchemist), Other, Pansexual Alphonse Elric, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Possesive Greed, Riza and Roy adopt Edward and Alphonse, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Tucker Is An Awful Human Being, Tucker was Ed and Al's foster parent before Roy and Riza, lesbian paninya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:55:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28606323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vigilant_Schemer/pseuds/Vigilant_Schemer
Summary: Chaotic Chatfic, what more could you ask for?
Relationships: Edward Elric/Greed, Edward Elric/Greed/Ling Yao, Edward Elric/Ling Yao, Gracia Hughes/Maes Hughes, Greed/Ling Yao, Lan Fan/Lust, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric, Paninya/Winry Rockbell, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 18
Kudos: 111





	1. Paranoid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iron Twink - Edward  
> Innocent Bean - Alphonse  
> Gearhead - Winry  
> Panini - Paninya   
> Starving Rich Boy - Ling   
> I Am The Shadows - Lan Fan  
> Panda Queen - Mei 
> 
> Secret Arsonist - Mustang   
> Simp - Hughes

**Iron Twink:** Hughes is a fucking stalker!!!

**Innocent Bean:** Brother he’s our uncle 

**Iron Twink:** That doesn’t change the fact that he’s stalking me!!!

**Innocent Bean:** He’s not stalking you!

**Starving Rich Boy:** Ok I’ve got to know the story behind this one 

**Gearhead:** What did Mr Hughes do to deserve such slander? 

**Innocent Bean:** Nothing, brother is just being paranoid

**Starving Rich Boy:** He’s always paranoid

**Innocent Bean:** True

**Iron Twink:** Alphonse!

**I Am The Shadows:** So what’s made him extra paranoid? 

**Innocent Bean:** We we’re having dinner at the Hughes’ and brother made a comment about how Elicia is going to be so embarrassed when she gets older over how many pictures of her her dad has 

**Panini:** She probably will be 

**Innocent Bean:** And we all laugh but then Hughes gets this look on his face that screams mischief 

**Innocent Bean:** And he pulls out this entire folder that is filled to the brim with pictures of Ed

**Panini:** Oh wow 

**Iron Twink:** There’s no way he should have that many pictures of me!!! 

**Iron Twink:** He’s a stalker I’m telling you!

**Innocent Bean:** Pictures are just his way of showing he cares about someone brother 

**Panda Queen:** Does he have pictures of you to Al? 

**Innocent Bean:** Yeah he’s got a folder for me, Roy and Riza 

**Innocent Bean:** Brother was just to busy ranting about him being a stalker to notice 

**Gearhead:** I think it’s really sweet that cares so much about you Ed!

**Iron Twink:** Gmezmigvd

**I Am The Shadows:** Did he die? 

**Innocent Bean:** He’s fine 

**Innocent Bean:** He’s just trying to strangle his phone in his anger

**Iron Twink:** I hate all of you 

* * *

**Secret Arsonist:** Congrats Hughes you’ve made Edward even more paranoid then he already is 

**Simp:** Then my work here is done :) 

**Secret Arsonist:** You're the worst 

**Simp:** :(

**Simp:** Now that’s just mean, you’re hurting my feelings, Roy!

**Secret Arsonist:** Good

**Simp:** :(


	2. Asshole Teacher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iron Twink - Edward  
> Innocent Bean - Alphonse  
> Gearhead - Winry  
> Panini - Paninya   
> Starving Rich Boy - Ling   
> I Am The Shadows - Lan Fan  
> Panda Queen - Mei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact Paninya automatically tries to autocorrect as Panini

**Iron Twink:** So guess who got detention 

**Innocent Bean:** It’s still first period what did you do?!

**Gearhead:** Did you get into another fight? 

**Iron Twink:** I didn’t get into a fight

**Starving Rich Boy:** Then what did you do? 

**Iron Twink:** I yelled at a teacher

**Innocent Bean:** Brother!

**Panda Queen:** Why did you do that? 

**Panini:** Did they call you short? 

**I Am The Shadows:** No he had a valid reason for it

**Starving Rich Boy:** Oh?

**Iron Twink:** This fucking asshole was purposely misgendering someone and it pissed me off

**I Am The Shadows:** So Ed called him a tiny dick asshat who clearly doesn’t have the brains to be working at this school if he thinks misgendering someone won’t get him punched

**Panini:** So out of curiosity which teacher was this? Asking for a friend 

**I Am Shadows:** Raven 

**Gearhead:** You know that doesn’t surprise me he’s so fucking creepy

**Starving Rich Boy:** Did you punch him?

**Iron Twink:** I wanted to but Lan Fan held me back

**Innocent Bean:** Why would you do that?

**Panda Queen:** Alphonse!

**I Am The Shadows:** Because Ed would have gotten in even more trouble if I hadn’t, we can’t have our resident genius get suspended who would help us with homework if he did?

**Panini:** Fair

**Iron Twink:** I'm feeling the love 

**Starving Rich Boy:** So what your saying is we should track him down after school and away from the public eye to teach him a lesson? 

**I Am The Shadows:** Exactly 

**Iron Twink:** Glad we’re all in agreement

**Panda Queen:** I’m not bailing you guys out if you get arrested

**Iron Twink:** The perks of having cops for parents who aren’t afraid of covering stuff up if necessary 

**Panini:** That feels like an abuse of power

**Gearhead:** Do you care? 

**Panini:** Not at all 

**Gearhead:** That’s what I thought


	3. New Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Error: Gender Not Found - Envy   
> Everything Is Mine - Greed   
> Heterophobic - Lust 
> 
> Iron Twink - Edward   
> Gearhead - Winry

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I made a friend 

**Everything Is Mine:** I’m sorry what? 

**Heterophobic:** Did hell freeze over? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Fuck you both I’m being serious 

**Heterophobic:** Sorry it's just we are your only friends 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Fuck off

**Everything Is Mine:** Seriously what did you do? I’ve got to know

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Maybe I won’t tell you now

**Everything Is Mine:** You bitch

**Heterophobic:** Come on Envy tell us

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I guess I should start by saying I’m in detention 

**Heterophobic:** For fucks sakes what did you do? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Laugh too loudly at an asshole being verbally roasted

**Everything Is Mine:** Oh? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** You remember Raven? 

**Heterophobic:** That’s the English teacher who doesn’t understand boundaries right? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Yeah that one

**Everything Is Mine:** What did that asshole do? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He was purposely misgendering me and being super patronizing about it

**Heterophobic:** And you didn’t punch him? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I didn’t get the chance cause this tiny golden ball of rage roasted him so strongly that I almost died laughing 

**Everything Is Mine:** What did they say?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He called him and I quote "Your a tiny dicked asshat who clearly doesn’t have the brains to be working at this school if you think misgendering someone won’t get you punched”

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He then tried to punch him but one of his friends held him back 

**Heterophobic:** Holy shit

**Everything Is Mine:** That's amazing!

**Error: Gender Not Found:** So now I’m sitting in detention with the kid and we started talking cause the teacher in charge fell asleep 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He gets really angry when you call him short but other than that we actually have a lot in common

**Error: Gender Not Found:** So now we’re going to Hot Topic tomorrow

**Everything Is Mine:** Aw did Little Envy get a boyfriend? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Disgusting 

**Everything Is Mine:** I couldn’t help my self

**Heterophobic:** We’re very proud of you for making a friend Envy just try not to lead him down the path of anarchy 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I think it’s a little too late for that

**Heterophobic:** Of course it is

* * *

**Iron Twink:** I made a friend

**Gearhead:** Did hell freeze over? 

**Iron Twink:** Fuck you


	4. Arm Toss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iron Twink - Edward  
> Innocent Bean - Alphonse   
> Gearhead - Winry   
> Panini - Pininya   
> Starving Rich Boy - Ling   
> I Am The Shadows - Lan Fan   
> Panda Queen - Mei 
> 
> Error: Gender Not Found - Envy   
> Everything Is Mine - Greed  
> Heterophobic - Lust

**Iron Twink:** I have a new best friend 

**Iron Twink:** The rest of you can go suck a turnip 

**Gearhead:** The audacity 

**Innocent Bean:** Brother! 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Why a turnip? 

**I Am The Shadows:** That's your question? 

**Starving Rich Boy:** It's a valid question 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Besides I know no one could ever take my spot as Ed’s number one best friend 

**Gearhead:** What am I a roach?

**Iron Twink:** Ling if I could kill you and get away with it I would have done so by now

**Starving Rich Boy:** You're breaking my heart Ed! 

**Starving Rich Boy:** I’m actually crying! I hope you're happy with yourself! 

**I Am The Shadows:** Don’t listen to him he’s stuffing his face with noodles 

**Starving Rich Boy:** The betrayal!

**Panini:** So I’m guessing your trip to Hot Topic went well?

**Iron Twink:** Yeah it was lots of fun 

**Innocent Bean:** What did you do

**Iron Twink:** What do you mean? 

**Innocent Bean:** Your definition of fun and everyone else’s definition of fun are two vastly different things 

**Iron Twink:** Rude 

**Innocent Bean:** Am I wrong?

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** Armtoss.png 

**Gearhead:** did… did you throw your arm at someone?! 

**Iron Twink:** Yes 

**Innocent Bean:** Sigh 

**Panda Princess:** Why?!

**Iron Twink:** They were making Envy uncomfortable 

**Starving Rich Boy:** So you threw your arm at them?

**Iron Twink:** Yes 

**Gearhead:** I hate you so much Edward Elric I hope you know that 

**Iron Twink:** :)

* * *

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Edward is my new favourite person 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** You two are now irrelevant 

**Everything Is Mine:** Wow! 

**Heterophobic:** I see how it is you finally make a friend and now your siblings aren’t good enough for you 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Well neither of you have ever thrown an arm at an acephobe before so

**Heterophobic:** What? 

**Everything Is Mine:** Do you mean throw hands? Because I have fought plenty of acephobes in your honour you little shit 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** No I meant what I said 

**Heterophobic:** I feel like your going to have to explain that one to us

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Armtoss. png 

**Heterophobic:** I’m sorry what? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** This asshole was flirting with me and refused to accept “I’m ace” as a reason to stop so I was about a minute away from decking him in the face when Ed looked at me and told me to get ready to take a picture 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** So I take my phone out just in time to get a picture of Ed throwing his arm at the asshole 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** It was glorious 

**Heterophobic:** How does one throw their arm like that?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** It’s a prosthetic obviously 

**Heterophobic:** Yeah no shit Sherlock 

**Heterophobic:** What I meant was most people don’t just casually take their prosthetic off to throw it at someone 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Well Ed does apparently 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He even told me that if the asshole got back up he was going to throw his leg at him next 

**Heterophobic:** Jesus Christ you two should not be left alone together ever again 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Rude 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Hey Greed you good? You kinda went silent on us 

**Everything Is Mine:** Hey Envy you know your my favourite sibling right? 

**Heterophobic:** Bitch 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** What do you want? 

**Everything Is Mine:** What do I have to do to get you to introduce me to your new friend? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Not going to happen 

**Everything Is Mine:** What?! Why not?!

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Because you're going to be all gross and try an flirt with him!

**Everything Is Mine:** I would never!

**Heterophobic:** That’s a lie

**Everything Is Mine:** Shut up Lust! 

**Everything Is Mine:** I just think he’s kinda cute

**Error: Gender Not Found:** You keep your horny self away from my new friend Greed or so help me

**Everything Is Mine:** Fine if you won’t introduce me to him I’ll just do it myself 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Oh? And how are you gonna do that? 

**Everything Is Mine:** I already know that he goes to our school it can’t be that hard to find him now that I know what he looks like 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Your the absolute worst I hope you know that 

**Everything Is Mine:** I try


	5. Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iron Twink - Edward   
> Innocent Bean - Alphonse  
> Gearhead - Winry   
> Panini - Paniniya   
> Starving Rich Boy - Ling   
> I Am The Shadows - Lan Fan   
> Panda Queen - Mei 
> 
> Secret Arsonist - Mustang   
> The Only Sane One - Riza

**(Iron Twink > Gearhead)**

**Iron Twink:** Hey Winry can we talk?

**Gearhead:** Edward it’s three in the morning this better be fucking important 

**Iron Twink:** Never mind go back to sleep it’s not important sorry 

**Gearhead:** Ed? Are you alright? 

**Iron Twink:** …

**Gearhead:** Edward Elric stop scaring me and tell me what’s wrong 

**Iron Twink:** It was just a nightmare it doesn’t matter I’m sorry for waking you up 

**Gearhead:** Stop apologizing and tell me what’s wrong right now!

**Iron Twink:** Am I bad luck? 

**Gearhead:** What? 

**Iron Twink:** Nevermind 

**Gearhead:** Ed what was your nightmare about? 

**Iron Twink:** it was about Tucker… and Nina 

**Gearhead:** Her death was not your fault Ed, you were just a kid you couldn’t have stopped it 

**Iron Twink:** She was just a little girl Win barley older than Elicia 

**Iron Twink:** I only knew her for a few months but she was like a sister to me! And I couldn’t protect her or Al from that monster! 

**Gearhead:** What Tucker did was not your fault Ed! And he hurt you as well don’t forget that! 

**Iron Twink:** What he did to me doesn’t matter! He killed his daughter and almost killed Al! And I couldn’t do anything! 

**Gearhead:** That’s it I’m coming over right now and if you try to talk me out of it I’m calling Riza and telling her about what you’ve been saying 

**Gearhead:** Ed you were a kid you're still a kid you can’t blame yourself for the actions of a twisted man 

**Iron Twink:** A part of me knows that, my therapist has told me it enough times but the rest of me still feels so guilty

**Gearhead:** I know Ed but I’m here for you and so is everyone else, never forget that okay? 

**Iron Twink:** Thanks Winry 

**Gearhead:** Anytime Ed, now open your window up 

* * *

**Secret Arsonist:** So Edward why is Miss Rockbell sleeping in your bed with you? 

**Iron Twink:** I know what you're trying to imply but may I remind you that I am very much gay and so is Winry 

**Secret Arsonist:** Oh Yeah...

**The Only Sane One:** Ignore him, Ed, what time did Winry get here last night?

**Iron Twink:** About three am 

**Innocent Bean:** What were you doing up at three am? 

**Iron Twink:** I had a nightmare and she calmed me down 

**Innocent Bean:** Why didn’t you tell me?

**Iron Twink:** You were at Mei’s I didn’t want to bother you 

**The Only Sane One:** Ed you know that you can always come to us with these kinds of things no matter what time it is right? 

**Iron Twink:** I know it’s just hard 

**Secret Arsonist:** Guess I have to pull a Hughes

**Iron Twink:** What’s that supposed to mean?

**Iron Twink:** Get your fisjjfmfbdhdndk

**Innocent Bean:** What happened?

**The Only Sane One:** Roy pulled your brother into a hug and now he’s screeching like a banshee 

**Innocent Bean:** Pictures please 

**The Only Sane One:** Fatherson.png 

**Innocent Bean:** Awe

**The Only Sane One:** Oh the screeching stopped 

**Innocent Bean:** Oh?

**The Only Sane One:** Winry woke and threw a wrench at him 

**Innocent Bean:** Sounds about right 

* * *

**Gearhead:** We’re having a group sleepover tonight 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Are you asking or telling? 

**Gearhead:** Telling

**Starving Rich Boy:** Alright then 

**Panda Queen:** Did something happen? 

**Gearhead:** We need to smother Ed in love and affection 

**Iron Twink:** Winry! 

**I Am The Shadows:** Are you alright Edward? 

**Iron Twink:** I’m fine 

**Innocent Bean:** That’s a lie brother and you know it 

**Iron Twink:** So what if the nightmares are getting worse that’s only because the anniversary is coming up 

**Iron Twink:** I’m completely fine on my own 

**Panini:** So what I’m hearing is that we’re heading to Ed’s place to dogpile him with love and affection right? 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Absolutely 

**Panda Queen:** Yup

**I Am The Shadows:** Already on my way 

**Iron Twink:** You guys are the worst 

**Innocent Bean:** Ignore him he’s secretly very happy that your all coming over 

**Iron Twink:** Al shut up 


	6. Useless Gays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iron Twink - Edward   
> Gearhead - Winry  
> I Am The Shadows - Lan Fan   
> Panini - Paninya

**(Iron Twink > Gearhead) **

**Iron Twink:** Winry how do I function 

**Gearhead:** What? 

**Iron Twink:** Boy smile pretty brain malfunctioning 

**Gearhead:** Are you… gay panicking? 

**Iron Twink:** It’s not my fault! 

**Iron Twink:** Ling is being all soft and warm and it’s making me feel things! 

**Gearhead:** Your gay panicking over Ling “I’ll eat a taco out of the trash” Yao? 

**Iron Twink:** Yes?

**Gearhead:** Oh my god you're a disaster! 

**Iron Twink:** Don’t judge me! 

**Gearhead:** I’ll judge you all I want you useless gay!

**Iron Twink:** Says the useless lesbian! 

**Gearhead:** I hate you 

**Iron Twink:** Right back at you bitch 

**Gearhead:** Now that we’ve got that settled are you going to tell Ling about your feelings?

**Iron Twink:** No I’m going to bottle them all up until I die 

**Gearhead:** You're the worst 

**Iron Twink:** Rude 

**Gearhead:** Why won’t you tell him? 

**Iron Twink:** Because I’m terrified of rejection and ruining my friendship with him 

**Gearhead:** Useless gay, he likes you back! 

**Iron Twink:** How would you know that?

**Gearhead:** He’s constantly flirting with you 

**Iron Twink:** He flirts with everyone! That’s his thing! It doesn’t mean anything! 

**Gearhead:** Give me a minute 

* * *

**(Gearhead > I Am The Shadows) **

**Gearhead:** Does Ling like Edward as more than a friend? 

**I Am The Shadows:** That boy is head over heels in love but is too stubborn to say anything because he’s afraid of rejection 

**Gearhead:** Their both useless gays 

**I Am The Shadows:** Agreed 

* * *

**(Gearhead > Iron Twink) **

**Gearhead:** Screenshot.png 

**Gearhead:** There’s your proof 

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** But what if she’s wrong? 

**Gearhead:** Oh My God I hate you

**Gearhead:** Just talk to him! 

**Iron Twink:** No I can’t 

**Gearhead:** So you’d rather suffer in silence than ask him out and be happy? 

**Iron Twink:** Glad we're on the same page 

**Gearhead:** Aushrifndndnsh

* * *

**Panini:** Does anyone know why Winry slammed her head against the wall? 

**I Am The Shadows:** Ed’s being a useless gay and it’s driving her mad 

**Iron Twink:** Shut up Lan Fan 

**I Am The Shadows:** Never


	7. Teenagers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward - Iron Twink  
> Alphonse - Innocent Bean  
> Winry - Gearhead  
> Paninya - Panini  
> Ling - Starving Rich Boy  
> Lan Fan - I Am The Shadows  
> Mei - Panda Queen 
> 
> Mustang - Secret Arsonist  
> Riza - The Only Sane One  
> Havoc - Smokes  
> Hughes - Simp  
> Falman - Skinny Legend  
> Furey - Baby Face  
> Breda - Bread

**Secret Arsonist:** Why did I have to have today off? 

**Smokes:** You never complain about having a day off what happened? 

**Secret Arsonist:** Teenagers have invaded my house and they're driving me mental

**The Only Sane One:** Their taking care of Edward don’t be rude

**Secret Arsonist:** But do they have to be so loud? 

**Simp:** What do you mean taking care of Edward, what happened? 

**The Only Sane One:** His nightmares are getting worse since the anniversary of that day is coming up 

**The Only Sane One:** So his friends decided to smother him in love and affection to keep his mind off of it 

**Simp:** If that bastard wasn’t already dead I would kill him myself

**Secret Arsonist:** Agreed 

**Smokes:** I think we all agree with you on that 

**Skinny Legend:** Yup

**Baby Face:** Hundred percent 

**Bread:** No questions asked 

**Secret Arsonist:** What the hell…

**Simp:** What?

**Secret Arsonist:** Winry is slamming her head against a wall 

**The Only Sane One:** You better go makes sure she’s ok

**Secret Arsonist:** Damn teenagers 

* * *

**Gearhead:** I hate you Ed

**Iron Twink:** You're in the other room what could I have possibly done?

**Gearhead:** I just had Mustang ask me why I was trying to dent his wall 

**Panda Queen:** Oh that must have been embarrassing 

**Gearhead:** I didn’t even know he was here!

**Innocent Bean:** Yeah he’s got the day off today 

**Gearhead:** I hate it here

**Panini:** Aw Win do you want some comforting snuggles?

**Gearhead:** … 

**Gearhead:** Yes please

**Iron Twink:** Simp

**Starving Rich Boy:** Simp 

**Gearhead:** I will kill you both do not tempt me 

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Starving Rich Boy:** … 

**Iron Twink:** Simp

**Starving Rich Boy:** Simp

**Gearhead:** THATS IT YOUR DEAD!!!

**Starving Rich Boy:** Lan Fan protect me!

**I Am The Shadows:** What’s this? I seem to have lost the ability to read 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Betrayal!!!

**Iron Twink:** Jokes on you I crave death

**Innocent Bean:** Brother no!!!

* * *

**Secret Arsonist:** I hate teenagers

**Simp:** What are they doing now?

**Secret Arsonist:** Winry is trying to kill Edward and Ling

**Smokes:** So nothing new there

**Secret Arsonist:** I hate it here

**Skinny Legend:** But its your house?

**Secret Arsonist:** I know what I said 

**Skinny Legend:** Well alright then


	8. Ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward - Iron Twink   
> Alphonse - Innocent Bean   
> Winry - Gearhead   
> Paninya - Panini  
> Ling - Starving Rich Boy   
> Lan Fan - I Am The Shadows   
> Mei - Panda Queen 
> 
> Mustang - Secret Arsonist   
> Riza - The Only Sane One

**Iron Twink:** Riza can we have money for pizza?

**The Only Sane One:** I thought Roy was making dinner?

**Secret Arsonist:** I don’t wanna talk about it 

**The Only Sane One:** He burnt it didn’t he

**Iron Twink:** It's just a smouldering pile of ash 

**Innocent Bean:** I honestly don’t know why you didn’t just cook dinner brother

**Iron Twink:** I’m in to much pain to cook

**Innocent Bean:** Yeah Winry did hit you and Ling pretty hard with her wrench 

**Iron Twink:** It’s like she’s trying to give me brain damage 

**The Only Sane One:** I’ll send you some money for pizza

**Innocent Bean:** Thanks Riza! 

**Iron Twink:** You're the best!

**Secret Arsonist:** I hate all of you 

**The Only Sane One:** No you don’t 

**Secret Arsonist:** No I don’t 

* * *

**Innocent Bean:** Dinner is saved 

**Panini:** How? I don’t know about you but I’m not eating ash

**Iron Twink:** Riza sent us money for pizza

**Starving Rich Boy:** Oh thank god

**Starving Rich Boy:** I know I have the reputation for eating just about anything but even I wasn’t going anywhere near that abomination

**Gearhead:** Damn it!

**Iron Twink:** Haha pay up!

**Gearhead:** Fuck you Ling!

**Starving Rich Boy:** What did I do?

**Iron Twink:** I bet Winry 20 bucks that there was no way you were going to eat that shit but she thought you would 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Really? Do you honestly think so lowly of me Winry? 

**Gearhead:** Ling I watched you eat a taco out of the trash nothing would honestly surprise me

**Starving Rich Boy:** IT WAS ONE TIME!

**I Am The Shadows:** Three times 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Why do you keep betraying me Lan Fan?! I thought we were friends?!

**Panda Queen:** You are so rich Ling why would you eat out of the trash?

**Starving Rich Boy:** It would have been a waste of food

**Gearhead:** Your ridiculous 


	9. Cuddeling Dorks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward - Iron Twink   
> Alphonse - Innocent Bean   
> Winry - Gearhead   
> Paninya - Panini  
> Ling - Starving Rich Boy   
> Lan Fan - I Am The Shadows   
> Mei - Panda Queen 
> 
> Mustang - Secret Arsonist

**(Starving Rich Boy > Iron Twink) **

**Starving Rich Boy:** Ed where did you go?

**Iron Twink:** I’m in the kitchen getting a glass of water

**Iron Twink:** Also what are you doing awake?

 **Starving Rich Boy:** That's not important 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Did you have another nightmare?

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** Yeah

**Starving Rich Boy:** Do you wanna talk about it?

**Iron Twink:** Not really 

**Iron Twink:** And I know it would help but I just can’t

**Starving Rich Boy:** It's alright Ed you don’t need to talk I’m not going to force you to anything you're uncomfortable with 

**Iron Twink:** Thanks Ling

**Starving Rich Boy:** Do you want cuddles? 

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** Normally I would tell you to fuck off but… 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Say no more my arms are ready to provide optimum cuddles

**Iron Twink:** Your such a dork Ling 

**Starving Rich Boy:** I know and I’m proud of that 

* * *

**I Am The Shadows:** Cuddlingdorks.png 

**Panda Queen:** Awe!!!

**Panini:** Ed looks so small in Ling's arms!

**Gearhead:** They're adorable!

**I Am The Shadows:** I ship it 

**Panini:** Same

**Gearhead:** ^^^^

**Panda Queen:** ^^^^

**Innocent Bean:** You know they're going to kill you when they see this right? 

**I Am The Shadows:** I’m aware and it will be worth it 

**Gearhead:** Your sacrifice will not be forgotten 

**I Am The Shadows:** I demand a statue be built in my honour 

**Panini:** It will be done 

* * *

**(Iron Twink > Secret Arsonist) **

**Iron Twink:** Hey Roy if I were to kill my friends would you cover it up for me? 

**Secret Arsonist:** Does this have anything to do with the fact that Paninya is trying to build a statue of Lan Fan out of cans and cereal boxes? 

**Iron Twink:** Yes 

**Secret Arsonist:** … 

**Secret Arsonist:** I’ll think about it 

**Iron Twink:** Awesome 

* * *

**(Starving Rich Boy > I Am The Shadows) **

**Starving Rich Boy:** Hey Lan Fan

**Starving Rich Boy:** Can I get a copy of that picture please? 

**I Am The Shadows:** Your a useless gay Ling 

**Starving Rich Boy:** I am well aware 

**I Am The Shadows:** Cuddlingdorks.png 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Thank you! 


	10. Panic Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Envy - Iron Twink   
> Alphonse - Innocent Bean   
> Winry - Gearhead   
> Paninya - Panini  
> Ling - Starving Rich Boy   
> Lan Fan - I Am The Shadows   
> Mei - Panda Queen

**(Iron Twink > Innocent Bean) **

**Iron Twink:** Are you Alphonse? 

**Innocent Bean:** Yes, who is this? 

**Iron Twink:** I’m Envy I’m friends with your brother 

**Innocent Bean:** Nice to meet you, but why do you have Ed’s phone? 

**Iron Twink:** He’s locked himself in a bathroom stall and refuses to come out 

**Innocent Bean:** What happened? 

**Iron Twink:** He’s was arguing with some chick in our health class and she must have said something especially biting because he kinda just froze 

**Iron Twink:** It looked like he was starting to have a panic attack so I got him out of there and took him to the bathroom to calm down 

**Iron Twink:** But once he started to he realized I was there and kinda flung himself away from me as if he had been burnt before locking himself in one of the stalls 

**Iron Twink:** He dropped his phone when he did and I figured as his brother you’d be able to help him better than I could since I can't even get him to talk to me

**Innocent Bean:** I’m on my way, which bathroom?

**Iron Twink:** the gender-neutral one on the second floor 

**Innocent Bean:** Got it 

**Innocent Bean:** Do you know what that girl said to him?

**Iron Twink:** I wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying but it might have to do with what we were learning in class 

**Innocent Bean:** What were you learning in class? 

**Iron Twink:** Rape and consent

**Innocent Bean:** Fuck

* * *

**Innocent Bean:** Does anyone have a free period right now? 

**Starving Rich Boy:** I do

**Starving Rich Boy:** Why do you ask?

**Innocent Bean:** Brother is having a panic attack and I could use some backup

**Innocent Bean:** He’s locked himself in a bathroom stall and will not come out

**Innocent Bean:** Envy is trying to help but they don’t fully understand the situation 

**Starving Rich Boy:** I’ll be right there 

**Panini:** So will I

**Innocent Bean:** But you're in class

**Panini:** Fuck class! Ed needs us! 

**Innocent Bean:** Fair enough 

* * *

**Panda Queen:** Oh my god Edward are you alright?!

**Gearhead:** The one time I don’t check my phone in class!

**Gearhead:** You better be alright Elric or so help me! 

**I Am The Shadows:** Ed are okay?

**Panini:** Everything’s under control now 

**Panini:** The four of us were able to calm Ed down and now we're all sitting in the nurse's office 

**Gearhead:** Thank god I thought I was going to have a heart attack 

**Panini:** On an unrelated note 

**Panini:** Comfort.png 

**Panini:** They are so in love it’s sickening 

**I Am The Shadows:** Ed does fit into Ling's arms so well 

**Panda Queen:** So cute 

**Gearhead:** As cute as this is I want to know what triggered the panic attack?

**Panini:** Ed hasn’t told us what exactly triggered it but we believe it’s because they were discussing rape and consent in health class today 

**Gearhead:** Oh of all the times to have a lesson on that why did it have to be so close the anniversary?!

**I Am The Shadows:** Were all on our way to the nurses warn Ed to be prepared for maximum cuddles 

**Panda Queen:** That sounds weird coming from Lan Fan but yes that is exactly what we are going to do

**Panini:** Got it


	11. Talking About The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward - Iron Twink   
> Envy - Error: Gender Not Fond 
> 
> Greed - Everything Is Mine   
> Lust - Heterophobic

**(Iron Twink > Error: Gender Not Found) **

**Iron Twink:** Thanks for trying to help me out Envy 

**Iron Twink:** It may not have looked like it but I really appreciate it the effort 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** It was no problem 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** But if you don’t mind me asking, what caused your panic attack?

**Iron Twink:** It’s a long story 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to 

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** What do you know of Shou Tucker?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** That’s that monster who killed his own wife and daughter right?

**Iron Twink:** Yes, do you know the story of how he got caught and arrested?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Yeah it was a big deal a few years ago

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He killed his wife and due to his friends in the police force he was able to cover it up really well for two years

**Error: Gender Not Found:** But then he took in two foster kids and the older one found out about what he did 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Tucker did terrible things to the kid to keep his mouth shut and that worked for a few months but then a childhood friend of his noticed something was wrong with his behaviour so they called the cops 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Tucker thought the kid did it and so he injured him real bad and then fatally wounded his daughter and the other foster kid, he wanted to make the kid suffer before he died 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** But the cops got there in time to save him and his brother but the little girl ended up dying from her injuries

**Error: Gender Not Found:** The boys’ names were kept out of the news for their protection so I don’t know what happened afterwards 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Why do you ask? Did that chick defend that monster's actions? 

**Iron Twink:** Not directly

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Ed what does Tucker have to do with what happened today? 

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** My brother and I were his foster kids 

**Iron Twink:** I found out what happened to his wife by mere coincidence 

**Iron Twink:** He physically, psychologically and sexually abused me for nine months before the cops got involved 

**Iron Twink:** He’s the reason I have a prosthetic arm and leg 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Ed… 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I’m so sorry you had to go through that it must have been hell 

**Iron Twink:** It was but I’ve grown past it for the most part 

**Iron Twink:** The anniversary of that day is in three days and my nightmares get worse and worse leading up to it 

**Iron Twink:** What caused me to break down today is that chick and I were arguing about consent and she said that only women need to give consent because men can’t be raped 

**Iron Twink:** It just hit way too close to home and I couldn’t handle it maybe if it wasn’t so close to the anniversary I could have but right now it was too much 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** What’s your address? 

**Iron Twink:** What?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I normally don’t do affection but you need a hug right now so tell me where you live so I can provide hugs 

**Iron Twink:** Huh I kinda thought you’d be out seeking revenge instead of hugs 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I can multiple task now give me your address before I have to go stalking for it 

**Iron Twink:** ha ok, it’s 136 East Avenue 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Alright I’m on my way 

* * *

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Greed I’m borrowing your motorcycle 

**Everything Is Mine:** What?! Absolutely not! 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I’ve got places to be and friends to comfort so I’m taking your motorcycle whether you like it or not 

**Heterophobic:** You don’t “comfort” people, who are you and what have you done with our annoying sibling? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Shut up Lust this is important!!!

**Everything Is Mine:** Someone’s angry 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I don’t have time for this!

**Heterophobic:** Envy are you alright? You're not usually so emotionally charged 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** No I need to go comfort Edward 

**Everything Is Mine:** What happened to blondie?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** He had a horrible panic attack in class and I kinda wanted to know what triggered it so he told me and it’s awful and I probably made him feel worse for making him remember all of it so close to the anniversary so I need to go make things right and make the endearing little pipsqueak happy again! 

**Everything Is Mine:** Shit…

**Heterophobic:** That’s a lot to unpack… 

**Everything Is Mine:** … 

**Everything Is Mine:** My keys are under the potted plant next to the tv in the living room 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Thanks Greed 

**Everything Is Mine:** Don’t thank me just go make blondie feel better 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I will 

**Heterophobic:** You haven’t even met the kid yet and you're already a simp 

**Everything Is Mine:** Shut the hell up Lust 

**Heterophobic:** Never gonna happen 

**Everything Is Mine:** I hate you 

**Heterophobic:** I’m your favourite sister you can’t hate me 

**Everything Is Mine:** You're my only sister 

**Heterophobic:** Details details 


	12. Joining The Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward -Iron Twink  
> Starving Rich Boy - Ling  
> Innocent Bean - Alphonse  
> Gearhead - Winry  
> Panini - Paninya  
> I Am The Shadows - Lan Fan  
> Panda Queen - Mei  
> Error: Gender Not Found - Envy
> 
> Mustang - Secret Arsonist  
> The Only Sane One - Riza

**Secret Arsonist:** So who wants to tell me why a punk-ass looking kid just barged into the house and marched up the stairs like they owned the place? 

**Iron Twink:** That’s Envy don’t worry about it they’ve decided I need comfort and won’t leave until they have provided it 

**Secret Arsonist:** Fair enough 

**The Only Sane One:** Will they be staying for dinner? 

**Iron Twink:** probably 

**The Only Sane One:** Alright I’ll set up an extra spot at the table for them 

**Iron Twink:** Thanks Riza 

* * *

**(Iron Twink > Starving Rich Boy)**

**Iron Twink:** I told Envy about what happened 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Are you alright? I can’t imagine that was easy for you 

**Iron Twink:** I think I am 

**Starving Rich Boy:** You're sure? 

**Iron Twink:** I’m not really sure about anything but right now I feel fine 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Let me know if that changes okay?

**Iron Twink:** I will 

**Starving Rich Boy:** So I’m guessing Envy took it well?

**Iron Twink:** Yeah they took it well and then they decided I needed comfort and have clung onto me like a koala bear

**Starving Rich Boy:** Good, you deserve all of the comfort 

**Iron Twink:** Speaking of I’m going to add them to the group chat 

* * *

**Iron Twink has added Error: Gender Not Found to Chaos Incarnate**

**Iron Twink:** Welcome to our mismatched dysfunctional family 

**Iron Twink:** You're never getting out of it now 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Eh my own family’s pretty dysfunctional I’m sure I can handle anything you throw at me 

**Starving Rich Boy:** I accept that challenge 

**Gearhead:** You’ve inspired even more chaos you’ll fit in just fine 

**Iron Twink:** Everyone introduce yourself before I do cause you're not going to like how I do it 

**Innocent Bean:** I’m Alphonse 

**Gearhead:** Winry

**I Am The Shadows:** Lan Fan 

**Panda Queen:** Mei 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Ling 

**Panini:** and I’m Paninya, welcome to hell please leave your sanity at the door 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Bold of you to assume I have sanity 

**Panini:** Oh I like this one already 

**Panini:** I can see why you were able to befriend Ed when he’s so terrible at it 

**Iron Twink:** Paninya shut up 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Aren’t you all his friends? 

**I Am The Shadows:** Yeah but Lings the only one who really befriended Ed with the single goal of being his friend 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Explain 

**Gearhead:** Well Al is his brother and I grew up with the two of them so I’m practically family 

**Innocent Bean:** So we don’t really count 

**Panini:** The rest of us just befriended someone else in the friend group and Ed grew to like us over time 

**I Am The Shadows:** Ling is the sole exception cause he spent less than an hour with Ed when they first met and instantly decided that they were best friends 

**Panda Queen:** He then stubbornly clung to him until Ed admitted to it as well

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Huh

**Iron Twink:** I’m not that bad at making friends 

**Starving Rich Boy:** Ed we love you but you have less social skills then an elephant 

**Iron Twink:** … 

**Iron Twink:** I hate you all 

**Gearhead:** Sure you do 


	13. Stabbing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Error: Gender Not Found - Envy  
> Heterophobic - Lust  
> Everything Is Mine - Greed

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Hey Lust remember two weeks ago when you went drinking with some friends and got super drunk?

**Heterophobic:** I do, why do you ask?

**Error: Gender Not Found:** You remember that cop you stabbed when he questioned how old you were? 

**Heterophobic:** Vidily, he chased me for half a block before I lost him

**Heterophobic:** Why are you asking me this? 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** That cop is Ed’s dad

**Heterophobic:** Your joking

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Nope

**Everything Is Mine:** Holy shit that's amazing!

**Everything Is Mine:** How did you find this out

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Ed told me about this chick that stabbed his dad two weeks ago while he was on patrol and I told him that was probably my sister Lust and we both couldn’t help but to laugh at the coincidence

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Apparently the only reason Lust managed to lose him was because he passed out from blood loss and his partner had to drag him to the hospital 

**Heterophobic:** Greed your not allowed to date Edward

**Everything Is Mine:** Excuse me? Why the hell not? 

**Heterophobic:** Because I will not be able to live through the awkwardness that would family dinners 

**Everything Is Mine:** … 

**Everything Is Mine:** I’m asking him out tomorrow 

**Heterophobic:** I hate you 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I wouldn’t get your hopes up Greed, I think Ed already has his eyes on someone

**Everything Is Mine:** Doesn’t matter no one can resist my charm

**Error: Gender Not Found:** I think I just threw up a little in my mouth 

**Heterophobic:** Same 

**Everything Is Mine:** Fuck off both of you 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Try not to traumatize Ed too much with your “charm” I’d actually like to keep my first friend 

**Heterophobic:** Yeah Greed try not to scare the poor kid off

**Everything Is Mine:** We’ll see who's laughing when I sweep blondie off his feet tomorrow 

**Error: Gender Not Found:** Yeah sure


End file.
